Keep Going

...because this will take a while! :-)

The intentions I have with this blog are to praise the Lord for His goodness and mercy and share it with other believers. Hopefully I can encourage someone along the way, but honestly, its just a part of my life to write and this is a format that adds a different dimension. In addition, I enjoy and am encouraged by "bloggy friends", whose bloggies I read!





That being said, of course there are things one would not share in a public setting, such as a blog. There are some things I am open and transparent about no matter what the venue. There are other things that I will only share with select people. This comes as no real revelation, because I think that this is true for most people. This post will require a little more transparency.



This is about the thoughts I've pondered while doing a Bible Study on the book, Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. It also is a result of a simple truth I have wanted to bring out here:



"Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not!" (Romans 6:1)





As I praise God for redeeming me and for His blessings in spite of my wickedness, I fear that I will give the impression that it doesn't matter that I have sinned, or that I am making light of a heavy matter. However, grace is only glorious when it is desperately needed by a dreadful sinner. (thus, all the praise!) And even though our Father has, in His goodness, chosen to redeem me and give me abundant life, sin is never free of consequences. I choose to relish in His kindness and I love to talk about it, but remember this because it is an unavoidable truth that I defy any believer to contest:





"They soon forgot His works; they did not wait for His counsel, but lusted exceedingly in the wilderness, and tested God in the desert. And He gave them their request, but sent leanness into their soul." (Psalm 106:15)





God has used my failures to humble me and give me compassion. It has been pain that reinstated the love of mothering. It has been desperation that has made my heart willing to surrender to His Lordship. The pain of unfaithfulness has given me a passion for faithfulness. The shame of the absence of purity has made me pursue purity. Leanness of my soul has given me a thirst for revival of my soul. I will require constant repentance, dependence and refining in these same areas as long as I am in this realm. However, I rejoice that He really does bring beauty from ashes.


A little over a year ago, I was still weighed down with questions like these: "How can I reconcile that God has used an ugly fall in my life, for my sanctification, yet my fall was such a disgrace to His Name? Further, how can I praise Him for His goodness and provisions in my life, yet be sorry for the actions that brought it about?"





A little more specific: How can I have a marriage and home that glorifies Him, when I have sinfully destroyed a marriage and home? How is it okay for me to love and enjoy my husband, when our relationship began in an illegitimate way? How can I hate my sin, yet love my husband and thank God for him, as a sovereign providence? ...a sovereign providence?!





In respect to these agonizing questions, God lovingly took me through a process of understanding, that although my relationship with Mark began in a shameful way, the vows we had entered in to in His presence were no less serious than the ones we had previously broken. (analogy: going bankrupt would not then excuse a person from taking new financial commitments seriously.) It is now my duty to be a faithful and loving wife in every way. I can not allow my unfaithful past to stand in the way of that. As I repented of sins committed in my previous marriage, I began to see that the new way for me to go would be to "do it right" in this present marriage - not only in spite of my failure, but especially because of it. That does not mean that the regrets of my past aren't always with me. That does not mean I don't care that I have hurt my first husband, along with many others. It does mean that I have to move forward with the Lord, trusting Him to minister His grace to anyone in my path of destruction. The sins of the past can never be changed. But they are forgiven. Therefore I needed the courage to treat my husband in a way pleasing to the Lord, despite the sneers and slander from some, who thought repentance for us would look something like us hating each other.





I know it sounds like I am saying that I am just serving my sentence. If I were living out a torturous existence, resolved to be a wife to a man I'm not happy to be with, then I would not have struggled with this seeming irreconcilable dilemma. If I were pining away to go back to my first marriage, I would think it serves me right. But neither is true.




Here is the "logic" I was wrestling with:




1) I sinned with Mark.


2) I repent.


3) I now hate my sin.


4) That should mean that I hate Mark.

Well, that is logic alright, but through the renewing of my mind, by the Word of God, I came to see that it is worldly logic. We can not truly fathom grace, which is other worldly. Kingdom logic tells us that to live we must die; to receive we must give; to love our enemies; to turn the other cheek; not to keep track of wrongs and many other things that run against the grain of our flesh and this domain.

Of all things!! I feared because I thought I was supposed to hate my husband, and I didn't! "Why would God bless me now? I don't understand! He must be saving up His wrath for me to zap me when I least expect it. It's a TRICK!" In a marriage with every reason to fail, we entered in. Yet, God has blessed our union. I will not go in to specifics, but suffice it to say, we are amazed at His goodness to us. It is not a chore. I love him naturally, and am learning how to love him in the Lord. I came to realize that hating my sin was not supposed to = hating Mark. I was still of the mindset that I had to earn forgiveness by being miserable. Here's the great part about that: I was only miserable when I was running from Grace...but when He laid hold of me = JOY!

Therefore, I praise Him. I praise Him for His gifts of repentance, compassion and perfect love. But I don't want to encourage others to sin by insenuating that God's grace is cheap. I don't praise without the reminder that sin is death. I do it with the realization that He is tender, issuing mercy and life to me, a sinner.



So, ALL OF THAT, to come back to the question.





"How can we make sense of God's sovereign providences, given our failures?"





I am going to pose the answer, as stated by Jerry Bridges:

"In His infinite wisdom, God's sovereign plan includes our failures and
even our sins. God usually works through ordinary events (as opposed to
miracles) and the voluntary actions of people. But He always provides the means
necessary and guides them by His unseen hand. He is sovereign, and He cannot be
frustrated by our failure to act or by our actions, which in themselves are
sinful. We must always remember, however, that God still holds us accountable
for the very sins that He uses to accomplish His purpose.

There is no conflict in the Bible between His sovereignty and our
responsibility. Both concepts are taught with equal force and with never an
attempt to "reconcile" them. Let us hold equally to both, doing our duty as it
is revealed to us in the Scriptures and trusting God to sovereignly work out His
purpose in us and through us." (Trusting God, study guide 1989)

A really boring post (to everyone but me, but it is my blog, right?) about our weekend:

We went out with Mama and George and enjoyed a delicious meal and fine conversation. (subliminal review: Prairie Fire Grille - very good) I have to say, this gives me such hope as a parent. When you can grow up and be close friends with your parents, now that's blessed.

That observation reminded me of this: Sara told me a few weeks ago that she would NEVER be mad at me. I said, "Sweet girl, sometimes we will get mad at each other while you are growing up. It's okay - we won't stay mad, but there will be times that I have to be mom, even when you don't want me to be." She said, "No, mommy. I won't be mad at you, because you really love me." As my heart melted at her sweet words, I said a little prayer that she would always know that - even if she does get mad! I think she was actually referring to people who will have nothing to do with their parents, ongoing, because of bitterness.

On Saturday, we rested. Oh yeah, of course we did our preventive maintenance, cleaning and household stuff shopping, but Saturday is for sleeping in, breakfast in bed and watching "Dragon". No, the kids don't watch Dragon. Mark and I are the big goobers who can watch a preschool program and think it's funny. It is the no calculus, no trainee, and well, no kid zone. Are we the only adults who laugh louder than the kids when we see a cartoon movie?

Mark and Sara started an impromptu grammar exercise Saturday night. The boys and I got in on it and they quickly became competitive. Each person called out a homonym and someone else had to spell its various matches. Then the kids tried to teach us how to play "Sparkle" (a spelling game), but some of us were too lazy to stand up - not saying who - so instead we spent the time trying to come up with a compromise which would allow us to lounge while playing.

Today we worshipped with our church family. This evening I had to study while Mark did the most unfavorite chore of our household. --horror music for effect-- THE BACKYARD. Yes, we have sacrificed a beautiful back yard for a couple of clumsy, slobbering canines. It's strange that I have spent most of my life so far, being terrified of anything with fur, yet now I let two furry things rip our landscape to shreds. Getting old really messes with us, you know.

I am ending this post abruptly. I can. It's mine.

I had a little rendezvous with the sunshine today. The first few times in the direct sun after winter is usually a good reminder of how very caucasian I am. However, it felt so good to sit, read and pray with only the sound of the wind - I just couldn't force myself inside to bathe in sunscreen. This gift of the great outdoors came to me wrapped in a call from the nurse at Sara's school, telling me that Sara had bumped her head on the playground and additionally had a strange marking on her hand. It sounded like a spider bite the way she described it, so I ditched my last three classes and checked her out. She seems fine. I told her if there was a day to get checked out, at least she picked a sunny day!

I really don't have a lot to write; but I do have a lightbulb over my head and it's not just the sun. I want to list, as a reminder for myself, and a praise to our Father, a sampling of things He has impressed upon my heart and mind lately. These may seem elementary (that's because they are), but you know there is a difference between knowing something and "Wooow, I get it now!"

• Do not trust in what I can see; trust God.
• Do not trust in what I hear; trust God.
• Do not trust in people; trust God.
• Do not trust in myself; trust God.
• Do not trust in things; trust God.
• Do not trust in "good"; trust God.
• Do not trust in answered prayers; trust God.

Here is what I don't think this means: Sight, sound, people, myself, things, "good" and answered prayers are unimportant and can never be trusted.

They just can't overrule my trust in Him, when He seems contrary to my experiences.

"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for He who comes to
God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently
seek Him."

Hebrews 11:6

Do you think I get this right every time? Not on your life! However, I have seen it more lately than I ever have, praise His Name.

In light of my question yesterday, about how I can be upright:

"Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him,

and HE shall bring it to

pass. HE shall bring forth your righteousness as the

light, and your justice as the noonday."

Psalm 37:5-6

..............................HE will do it. :-)

"Pride goeth before a fall..." I'm not referring to Peter today, although he is often the scapegoat for all my dilemmas. I'm thinking about walking out on the driving range today, smacking a few balls that I thought, "hmm, now that could play!", and then spending the rest of my time disturbing all the little earthworms as my ball whizzed through, right above their earthen homes. One time it even hit a rock and made a 90 degree turn into some weeds, never to be seen again. sigh.

Some more randomness:

Dillon is doing well with his guitar lessons. He began a new song today. I love that he is enjoying it so much. When I commented on how quickly he is picking it up, he grinned and said, "Well, Mom, it just might be my thing." What a priviledge to get to watch God bring out those strengths and reveal them to our children!

One of my professors was gracious to accept an annotated bibliography by email, due to the fact that I was with my dad at the hospital on the day it was due. I didn't know until today if he had accepted it, since we were on spring break. I was, of course, relieved to find that he did.

I have colored eggs threatening to overtake my dining room (homework central). As I encouraged Dillon to focus on his math tonight, he said, "I CAN'T! The eggs are distracting me!" Bye bye, eggs. Though I love your pastel cheerfulness, my son must do his math. But can I keep the bunny?

Digging dandelions out of the yard by the roots is a therapeutic way to de-stress. Especially if you are totally stressed out about your golfing. ;-) As I pried for the roots with my spade, I wondered why they did not get the hint to leave, even when the seeming less hardy ones succumbed to the weed killer/grass fertilizer weeks ago. Then I thought, "What a perfect analogy. They try to look like a flower and be accepted, but deep down they are always weeds, and therefore, unwanted. I am exactly the same way. I am so glad that there is a Way for me to be accepted by God, though I am all by myself, a weed."

I had a few minutes between classes today, so I read and journaled. I read Psalm 112. A couple of things struck me as I pondered and wrote. Yeah, you guessed it, I'm gonna share.

vs. 4 "Unto the upright there arises light in the darkness. " Unto the who? I really long to be the 'upright'. God, please show me what that means. Making crooked things straight is so painful - I know, but the light is worth it. (I think so anyway; I wonder if I could get an idea on a scale from one to ten before we get started. Don't you wish we could pick and choose what lessons we learn?...yeah, I know, that is exactly why I have struggled so often...kicking against the pain, not having the good sense to surrender...)

vs. 8 "His heart is established; he will not be afraid. Until he sees his desire upon his enemies."
Disjointed as it may be, this is what I wrote: Trust in the Lord to make all things right. Be patient and content that we may not always see it on this side. What is it I would desire for my enemies? Because our enemies will endure God's eternal wrath if they are not true believers, and His painful correction if they are His, (provided that they are enemies due to disobedience to the Word; if they are just difficult because they are different, or unlikeable to my personality, it is my heart that is wrong if I consider them enemies) I should hope and pray for their repentance and forgiveness so they will be spared. If they are spared by God's mercy I should rejoice in that, and not be resentful that they have not gotten what I think they deserve. The same mercy that saves me from His wrath is the same mercy that saves others. Therefore, when I see that an enemy has been spared, I should break out into unbridled rejoicing that our God is merciful and full of compassion - even to me!

Okay, I could ramble some more, but I don't really want to. Night, night.

"Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against
me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" (Matthew 18:21)

Interesting, isn't it that Peter had questions about forgiveness at this point? It seems that he wanted to know just where that line was, so he could please Jesus, but not go overboard. Of course, we can read on to see that Jesus gently taught him that it should actually be 70 times 7. That's a little bit more than Peter thought, but scripture does not indicate that the Lord smirked and made fun of Peter as He corrected him. I imagine that a quite proud Peter gulped and tried to hide his embarrassment, but that's just the way it plays out in my head.

Seven times is a lot, isn't it? Really, if someone keeps slipping up, making the same mistake - or just flat out choosing to sin, it gets old. I've been on both sides of this equation many times. Sometimes I have to forgive someone 70 times 7 for the same offense, just because my heart wants to take back the bitterness. Yet, I desire to be forgiven for my trespasses - even in those areas where I have fallen repeatedly.

This goody-two-shoes question of Peter's makes me think of the teacher's pet, always trying to gain the respect of the teacher while making the other students look bad. After all he is ironically the one who said, "Even if all are made to stumble, yet I will not be." When we read forward a few chapters we could say, "Aha! I knew it! He was a fake all along. 'Mr. Forgive Them' is now 'Mr. Deny Him'. At this point, any immature disciples could have gloated about Peter's failure. But I think he was serious. I believe he really thought he wanted to please the Lord. He just didn't realize what was in his heart, threatening to overtake him at any vantage point.

I wonder if, after Peter's humiliating tumble, he ever sat in his fishing boat and thought about how naive he had been when he asked the question about forgiveness. Because, you see, if a person does not realize how wretched he or she is, they will not be willing to extend forgiveness to others, whom they view as far worse sinners than themselves. When Peter hung his head, with tears streaming and heart breaking over his treatment of the One he vowed his eternal loyalty, and he walked slowly back to his old life in a lonely fishing boat, he had time to think about these things. I'll bet at this point he would be glad for the 70 times 7. But he didn't need it.

Jesus was already headed to the cross. He knew when Peter asked that question, that in a short while He would pay for Peter's own forgiveness. He died once for all. And when He had risen, He went seeking Peter. This lowly follower did not have to bury his face in the dirt and beg over and over to be forgiven. Jesus sought him out.

It is often difficult for us to forgive each other, because we determine that the other party does not deserve mercy. We judge as to whether a person has suffered enough, or is sorry enough, as if we can see inside their hearts. The truth is that none of us deserve forgiveness, but we are commanded to grant it to our repentant brothers and sisters. This is impossible in ourselves, but our Father does not leave His children without help and hope. Because of what we celebrate this Resurrection Sunday, we are made able to please Him. We can not forgive based on our own righteousness, but we can extend grace because He made it available to us through His own perfect sacrifice.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have
loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will Know that you are My
disciples, if you have love for one another."
(John 13:34-35)

A quote from wise Daniel:

"Why would you kick a cow after you have already
killed it and cooked it? Can you not see that it is DONE?!"

To put it into context, he was referring to the sad way that we, as Christians, often treat each other. We are called to love one another. That is not as the world loves. We are all capable of that, even before regeneration. The love that we are called to is a phenomena that is only attainable through the power of the Holy Spirit. It is an "acted out" love that may or may not always be felt by the emotions. It includes encouragement to stir each other up to good works. We are to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. Sometimes, in order to love someone in the Lord, it takes reproof and exhortation. Those things may not seem like love to the one on the receiving end, but love cares for his/her brother or sister in Christ and will not stand by to watch them be destroyed by their foolishness. So, to make my point, their are many facets to true, abiding Christian love.

These ideas are not my own. I have read many scriptures on the topic of how we should treat each other. I would have no basis for spouting off about what love is, if I were the standard. The reason that this is a pet topic of mine is that I have failed so miserabley at it and have had to endure the reproof from my Father. I am learning. This is close to my heart because I have, in so many ways, not loved in deed. I have done no more than to be nice to people I like. I thank God that through repentance He can change our hearts. He makes hard hearts soft.

Am I weeping with those who weep? Do I desire to encourage my siblings? Do I pray for God's blessing and protection on behalf of my friends, and most telling, do I pray those things for those who hate me? Am I willing to look past this temporal world and see that there is nothing here to compare to what awaits us in Christ? Does it excite me to know that God will one day wipe away all of our tears and bring unity to His people? Am I looking forward to worshipping for all of eternity with brothers and sisters near and far? Is there anyone with whom I wish I did not have to share heaven?

These are questions that I have to ask the Lord to show me about my own heart. The way that the world knows that we love the Lord is that we love one another. Jesus prayed that we would love each other. All throughout His word, He shows us how important this is. Love is the basis of following all of the commandments. It is quite humbling to know that we are required to do this, but see how difficult it is to do. This drives us to our knees to ask God for forgiveness and help.

I ask my brothers and sisters in Christ to pray with me today, that He will work love into His people. We so desperately need revival, which begins with repentance and continues with the marks of love and joy. Our enemy hates it when we love. He doesn't mind if we go to church or send money to the poor. A cross around our neck and a snappy tune on our radio won't get a rise out of him. But if you choose to love, you will need the Lord.

Simeon Peter. Judas Iscariot.

Jacob. Esau.

Cain. Abel.

King David. King Saul.

What's the difference in these lives and their outcomes? Have you ever wondered? I have. Because the question was burned into my mind 4 years ago. So what happens when you've done the unthinkable? Do you flip through your bible, desperately seeking hope, only to toss it to the side, put your face in your hands and wail that there is no hope? There's the law, right there in front of you. You've done it. You see what it says about your kind in there. Yet, for all of the stars in the sky, you can't go back and change it.

...You looked into His kind, loving eyes and said, "I will never deny You, Lord. How could I? Who else is there besides You?" But as you see the nails being driven through His flesh, and hear the cursing and spitting, you catch those eyes looking at you. Oh, how quickly you claimed to have never known Him! For all of heaven and earth you wish you could go back and do it right. But it is impossible. You will never forget that look. (Peter did it; so did I.)

...You were hungry. Starved. Maybe you wanted a bowl of soup. Or it could have been love, affection, numbness to your pain or something that did not belong to you. In that moment of weakness and temptation you gave away what was precious and good for nourishment that would not satisfy forever. "I can't believe what I gave away! How could I have ever thought so little of my inheritance?," you breathe through your tears. (Esau did it; so did I.)

...You're just as good as that goody-two-shoes who always seems to get God's blessings. Why not you? The bigger question is, "Why him?" God is unfair. You'll show him. Cain killed his brother. Have you killed yours today? No? "But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the council." (Matthew 5:22) Now you wish you could take it back! But you can't. What's done is done. (Cain did it; so did I.)

...You were not looking for this. You didn't even know where that restlessness was coming from. But you decided to take it easy because the fight had been intense and you just needed a breather. Then you saw him/her. "I wonder what it would be like..." Adulterer is an ugly word. Now its your name and names are hard to change. (David did it; so did I.)

What is the difference in these lives? If I try to get really dogmatic about these accounts I will likely get myself into trouble and show my ignorance. I'll try not to do that, but I think it is safe to say that repentance is a common theme in each of these comparisons. But how did they gain repentance? David said "Have mercy upon me, O God." (Psalm 51:1) But recall that it took him a while to get there.

I don't remember reading in scripture where Jacob or Abel repeated "the sinner's prayer". Yet Abel's sacrifice was accepted while Cain's wasn't; Jacob was loved while Esau was hated. Peter denied the Lord and then built the church. Judas sold Him out and then committed suicide.

Four years ago, I asked God what the difference in these lives were. I saw over and over as I searched scripture that some people were objects of His wrath and some were instruments of His grace. Repentance was certainly woven throughout these stories, but WHY did some repent and others not? HOW did they do it? I tried to repent but I didn't know how, and I was powerless to do so. I wondered if I were a Peter or a Judas.

Finally, God brought me to this: I cried out to Him and told Him what I knew. I am a sinner. I have NOTHING. I had been trying to repent, trying to dig my way out, trying to make restitution and nothing worked! I COULD NOT EVEN REPENT RIGHT! At the height of my frustration and exasperation I told him, basically, "Here I am. Do with me what You will. Whether you have mercy on me or not, You are Who You are - no matter what. I will bow to You and praise You because You are to be praised. I can not take one more step in the condition that I am in - and I can't make this right no matter what I do. Because I believe that Jesus is my only Hope, and that You are a God Who reconciles, I will not get up off my face until I have peace.

If we look ANYWHERE else, outside of the cross and what Jesus did there, we will despair. Perhaps Judas thought he could alleviate some guilt by confessing to the Pharisaical priests that he had betrayed innocent blood. Maybe throwing the coins into the temple was his hope for getting the ill-gotten gain off his conscience, but it didn't work. The point is, that we can not even count on our repentance as a way to ease our guilt. We have to have the stains of our transgressions taken from us by the only One Who can. It is His gift of repentance that we need, because when He does it, He does it completely. His way is acceptable and will stand in the courtroom of heaven. Our way will lead us further into destruction. When the "accuser" comes now to me to throw in my face all of the sins I have committed, and the mistakes I have made - even in repentance, I point to Jesus. I have sinned and then flailed about to repent and make restitution, but when He granted repentance, it became sealed with His promise. It is done.

Pastor Liddle made a point about this today, which reminded me of my own struggle and finally, victory in this matter, which carried Mark and me into a long discussion about this. One of the main questions I had was WHY did some repent? Because God chose to call them to Himself. Every day that I live it strikes me a little harder that it is only the grace of God that He called me. There is NO other reason that I am accepted by Him.

Never a dull moment around here...

It has been one of those familiar weeks where I stay up studying until I find myself face down drooling on my book, then I set my alarm for 3:00 AM just because I am absolutely insane. New moms do this kind of thing, but eventually the child sleeps through the night. I am looking forward, Lord willing, to sleeping 8 hours per night again someday. I really do like my sleep. I'm not sure what I would do if I actually had a tough life or if I were trying to earn a doctorate degree or something difficult like that. This is basic stuff, but it does start to stack up when you add "life" to it. When I was a teenager you could NOT have convinced me that I would ever get by on 3-4 hours of snooze time. I was just trying to scale it back to about 9-10 hours back then. Oh, well, this is not really intended to be a gripe session; just a moment to step back from the day and actually talk about how thankful I am.

I am grateful more than words can express that my daddy is resting in the hospital tonight. Early this morning my stepmom called the paramedics because he had blacked out. He went down hard. Thankfully he only banged up his cheekbone and elbow as he fell. She had difficulty waking him and when he did come around his speech was slurred. At this point they are talking about a possible stroke, but aren't sure of anything yet. They are keeping him for observation.

When Mama called to tell me he was enroute to the hospital, I did what I normally do with bad news. I stood there calmly thinking about what kind of action my body should be making under the circumstances. My day was planned to the minute. I thought about my exams and the kids' schedules. Then I thought about how I didn't care about those things at the moment. Mark, who didn't know yet what was going on, casually asked how I was doing - just about the time the panic set in...and the dam broke. I had tears dripping on my feet before I could even answer. I'm sure he was expecting an "Oh, the kids are on the bus and I'm on top of the day." Bless his heart. Living with a woman must be difficult. I somehow got it together right before I walked in to the exam room where daddy was waiting for a brain scan.

Daddy has never been admitted into a hospital. He was even born at home. And just a few minutes ago, I asked my stepmom, Vivian, how he was doing and she said, "He wants you to know he got a shot in the belly." I said, "Wow, he's a veteran! I've had babies and surgeries - but never a needle in the belly!" I offered to buy him a diamond, if he should decide to memorialize the occasion with a belly ring. He declined. But I knew he was at least feeling better because he was teasingly asking me to feel sorry for him. (Belly rings can be used to cover a scar from laparoscopic surgery through the belly. Just in case that is helpful for anyone. I know someone who did that.) :-0

Well, there's my day - at least some of it. With much grace, love and care from my Father, I was still able to make it in for some afternoon exams which I think went well. I ate pizza with Leigh, (its a no no food, but I ate it anyway - because, well, it has comfort properties in it) bought some new moisturizer (take THAT you creases who think you belong on my face!!) and now a bubble bath and some sleep sounds great!

At my desk, with charts and graphs surrounding me...tests in economics and math this week...

I just got a call from a good old friend...you know, the kind who knows all about you and loves you anyway...the kind who you can be you with...she cries with you when your hair cut went bad...laughs with you when you actually get a good joke right...laughs at you when you don't...

GIRLS NIGHT OUT! WOOHOO!

Just had to get that out.

Now back to fiscal policy and the AD-AS Model, blah, blah, blah.

***edited for stupidity :- o***

After reading back over this, I thought, Hey, you know, Stace, it's not just about you! Yeah she loves me, but I want to say, just for the sake of not sounding like a self-centered brat, I love her, too...I laugh with her and cry with her, too... and yes, I laugh at her...

Okay, I feel better now!

After a tough day, I was looking forward to a good rest on Thursday night. It didn't happen. Two hours into dreamland, my poor little girl woke up with a distressed tummy. The nausea set in with full force on her way to the bathroom. Good news: ejected red Crystal Light will come out of white carpet with Oxy-Clean (thanks, Mark). I felt really bad for her; in addition to getting sick, she was concerned about the carpet. She said, "Mom, I'm sorry I couldn't make it. At least I aimed it at the floor and I missed your white comforter. That's good isn't it?" I said, "That is SO good, but I wouldn't be mad anyway, baby." (I tried to sound non-chalant, but inwardly I was doing a little dance! The cherished comforter would have been ruined. Any other time I would have given her water before bed - not something red. Sigh.)



I kept all three kids home on Friday because I thought, "Okay everybody goes to the doctor today! No more hit and miss. Got the sniffles? You're going! Nausea? You're going! Don't want to do your homework? You're going!" Thankfully I didn't have any classes or appointments anyway. So I called the doctor's office to tell them I needed to bring in all my kiddos.


The receptionist said she would have the nurse call, since they didn't need to come in if they had a virus. (Yay! Somebody with the ability to reason. Why sit in there half the day just to be told you need to rest and drink fluids? So you can be excused from school to rest, that's why.) The nurse called back to say I did not need to bring them, but they would give doctor's excuses so they could rest it off, which is the best thing anyway. I was so glad! Rest without having to sit in the germy doctor's office...thank you!



Better still, all three were up and running by afternoon. Mark came home early, we all relaxed some and the rest of the weekend was pretty normal. It was nice to have an end to a hectic week. Very, very nice! Now, onward. Spring break ahead.

I'll be honest...it's been another hectic week. It is common for me to make a To Do list at night, add to my grocery list as needed, double check my calendar, messages, mail and so forth. I do so knowing that I have created a time debt that can only get paid if nothing is altered, or if only I continue multi-tasking while sleeping. I generally wake up wondering if I have already done what's on the list because I dream about it --Sound familiar, anyone? I know it's not just me!-- I list things in order of importance and then fill in the "if everything goes off without a hitch" tidbits.

Hey that was funny - that part about "if everything goes off without a hitch"!

Okay...here's reality. Where there are children, there is tap dancing on a hot tin roof. We do it, don't we Moms?

ex. : Got a class at ? 'o clock, a stack of assignments that HAVE TO get there, a kid with a fever, a funeral at the same time as a critical test review? Weren't expecting a kid to wake up with rosy cheeks? What do you do, Mom?! Quick, you have exactly 3 seconds to adjust 487 variables!! Time is up...is that your final answer? Hope you made a wise choice because, you know, your children depend on you to do that. All of your professors expect you to do that. Don't forget about the friend who needs you to hold her up while she cries...

However, when my eyes are open, looking for the tender words and gentle mercies of my Father, I am enraptured with His love and care for little ol' me. In ways that are very specific, He has given me encouragement and ways to navigate through the obstacles of this week. In consideration of life and death, eternity and so forth, these problems are really not so important. But while living on this earth, in this body, they present choices that must be made.

Here are a few snippets of the tender mercies of this week, with no bearing on order of importance - just somewhat chronological:

Teri changed the time for Moms In Touch so that now I can be there. I was so blessed to meet the ladies and pray together again.

Mallory reminded me to sign up for an important meeting with my advisor.

One of my professors took the time to call me aside to speak words of encouragement.

Mama and George have done everything from stocking my van with South Beach bars reminding me to eat during the day, to taking care of kiddos with zero notice, and many things in between.

My presentation went well, which was a pleasant surprise, considering the challenges I had with it. I tried not to look shocked when I presented it and it all worked! (Never let 'em see ya sweat - just wait til' their not looking and sigh a huge sigh of relief...then apply relief anti-perspirant because what you put on after your shower is not going to hold out much longer.)

Susannah and I were able to meet again for Bible study, after a break due to other commitments for both of us. We laughed a lot, which of course, is good for the soul.

And don't think I am leaving out Mark...or the kids! I never have to ask Mark for help. When I think something needs to be done, I see that he has already taken care of it - and this week was no different. Besides that, he loves me even with all my quirks, and that's a pretty tall order.

All of the kids have shown responsibility this week, but I especially noticed that Dillon has conquered some territory that requires increased maturity. (not comparing or favoring one child over another here, just wanting to acknowledge achievements!)

When I make it a point, by the grace of God, to look for Him throughout the day, peace flows into chaos. I am not implying that I choose this always. Unfortunately, I forfeit the peace all too often, trading it for anxious, impatient thoughts. As my professor advised me - (my paraphrase) You're just looking at the problems you got wrong. Learn from them but don't fret over them. And don't forget to be thankful for the ones you correctly solved.

As God showed His compassion for me this week, through the words and actions of others, it reminded me that I need to take notice of those around me. I want to be an encourager and a witness of the love and hope of Christ. Today I looked across a crowded room in a funeral parlor. I saw lost, grievous looks on sad faces and I said, "Oh, God, please come down to us! We are messed up creatures. I am so glad I am a redeemed messed up creature. I pray that many will turn to You in their grief." My heart went out to them, but I realized that His plan was for me to specifically extend comfort to my friend, Tonya and her son, Brannon. I am blessed to have been able to do that. That's just one more of His sovereign, gentle mercies.

I must get some work done, but I wanted to share this, which was sitting in my inbox and it seemed fitting for what I just posted about (by John Piper):

"The problem is not perplexing doctrine or
evolutionary assaults or threats of persecution. The problem is falling down too
many times. Gradually the fatal feeling creeps in: the fight is futile; it isn't
worth it...


...To the
fallen saint, who knows the darkness is self-inflicted and feels the futility of
looking for hope from a frowning Judge, the Bible gives a shocking example of
gutsy guilt. It pictures God's failed prophet beneath a righteous frown, bearing
his chastisement with broken-hearted boldness. "Rejoice not over me, O my
enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a
light to me. I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned
against him, until he pleads my cause and executes judgment for me. He will
bring me out to the light" (Micah 7:8-9). This is courageous contrition.
Gutsy guilt. The saint has fallen. The darkness of God's indignation is on him.
He does not blow it off, but waits. And he throws in the face of his accuser the
confidence that his indignant Judge will plead his cause and execute justice for
(not against) him. This is the application of justification to the fallen saint.
Broken-hearted, gutsy guilt...

...Embrace as your treasure
the gift of justification. There is no part of your life where it is not
immeasurably precious."

By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: www.desiringGod.org. Email: mail@desiringGod.org. Toll Free: 1.888.346.4700.

When I eat sugar/white flour, I itch all over.

I ate some. (duh - I'm allergic - don't do that Stace)



My computer has a virus.

I hate computers. Especially when my powerpoint presentation is due tomorrow.



I have rocks in my head and zero finished assignments.

I don't want to do schoolwork today.



I've had my failures and losses, hurts and regrets hurled at every part of my being, in the form of fiery darts. My mind is consumed and my heart hurts. I hurt for me and I hurt for others who hurt.



I have been offered a bleak prognosis for the future by the enemy of my soul. He has done that plenty of times before and I know he is wrong, but the fog sure can get thick while I'm trying to work my way out.



I've had a lot of days in life, as have most people with a pulse, when I have wanted to give up. I've been kicked one too many times in the head by the enemy. I didn't even want to get up. But by the grace of God I did. I've had it rehearsed over and over in my mind what a failure I've been - and the story gets old.



Today is one of those days.



Every single time I think it's just not worth the fight, my Father picks me up, gives me a seed of faith and sets my feet on the sturdy path once more. He lovingly shows me my errors and compassionately calls me into His arms. He silences the voice of the enemy long enough to reassure me. He pities me and reminds me not to pity myself.



Today is one of those days.



He is at work for His glory and for my good. I KNOW I am very, very blessed. I experience His peace, love and joy. He has caused His light to shine on me; He condescends to me.



For some reason, that I don't understand, that peace and joy seems out of reach today. I do know that God has a purpose for everything and that I can trust Him to bring me through. If I need repentance, refining, understanding - or if I am experiencing an opportunity to glorify Him in my weakness - I turn to my only Hope.



I don't like to be a pessimistic downer, but these days have a purpose, just as the many days when I talk, laugh and sing all day. I am recording this so that I can look back on this day, like many others, Lord willing, and give praise to the Lord for lifting me up. You know, one day when I have actually graduated and am working successfully, my children are independent and the sun shines all day! :-)


Upon typing that last word, I got a phone call to tell me that an old friend ended his life. If this doesn't make us mad at the sneering, mocking accuser, I don't know what could. He leaves behind a family, including a son who was inseparable with his dad. This is painful.

Our loving Savior convicts us gently, and provides lasting hope, even when the day is hard. The enemy is ready to provoke those weak, sinful tendencies in us to make us think there is no hope. That is a lie! Our hope is in the One Who created us, died for us, overcame the grave and offers victory to us in His Name. Seek truth - it causes the lies to crumble.